Allie visits the hospital with her boyfriend and gets confused by this:

Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of their chart:

0:  Haha!  I’m not wearing any pants!
2:  Awesome!  Someone just offered me a free hot dog!
4:  Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes.
6:  I’m sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?  I’m bored. 
8:  The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.
10:  You hurt my feelings and now I’m crying! 

None of that is medically useful and it doesn’t even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:

0:  Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don’t know why I’m even here. 
1:  I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.
2:  I probably just need a Band Aid.
3:  This is distressing.  I don’t want this to be happening to me at all.
4:  My pain is not fucking around.
5:  Why is this happening to me??
6:  Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now.
7:  I see Jesus coming for me and I’m scared.
8:  I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help.
9:  I am almost definitely dying.
10:  I am actively being mauled by a bear.
11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.
Too Serious For Numbers:  You probably have ebola.  It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.