Med Students

Fuck, every time I talk to my mom on the phone she devotes like nine minutes to updating me on who’s going to medical school where and how their year’s going and shit. I’m sorry, Mom—I know you didn’t picture me at bar-backing and working for that sketchy moving company at age 27. But med school? Christ.

Beyond my general disdain for health care professionals (who just, like, poke you and charge you a lot of money and tell you to stop drinking so much and shit,) med students are annoying as fuck. They’re the high-functioning duders and sorostitutes from college on the one sure path to a fucking three-car garage, under the good-guy guise of wanting to help humanity. (“For a while I thought it was my calling to go into Christian education, but then I realized I could witness humanity in a way that’s better suited to my gifts by becoming a highly paid surgeon,” blah blah blaahhh.)

Med students also:

  • Wear stupid scrubs in public—without irony
  • Get wasted on the weekends and put 800 drunk pictures on Facebook every Monday
  • Drop medical references and/or anatomical jokes they know you will not understand into totally incongruous conversations, just so they can patronizingly explain them afterward (Seriously, I don’t care what a renal pelvis is or why that’s a play on words. Fuck you.)
  • Constantly complain about their huge mound of homework
  • Try to hit on you at Duane Reade while in their head they’re clearly thinking, “Can I mention med school? What about now? What about now? OK she sort of mentioned Tylenol…can I casually drop it? Damn I am awesome.”

Even worse: students of podiatry, orthodontics and dentistry. Don’t even pretend there’s motivation there other than cash. Just admit that you’re a greedy ass-clown and be done with it.


Hehe…so that’s why I get all those scowls walking down Bedford!